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Hey everyone!

First of all, I wanted to thank everyone for taking time out of their day to read my blog and also for the continuous support. I am so very thankful for each and every one of you. Even if I can help one person get through big or small trials, that's all that matters to me.

~This is going to be a bit long as there is no quick way to explain it well.

A few weeks had passed since surgery to remove the ovarian mass (Jangles was its name). I was feeling great and stronger everyday. However, I still had this gut feeling that something wasn't right. I hated that I felt like I wasn't in control of my body and feelings.

My pre-op date approached, December 28, 2016. I remember telling my mom that morning that I knew something was wrong and that I was very nervous. My appointment was early that morning, but my specialist was running behind as he is very busy and his secretary was absent that day. Sitting in the waiting room was horrible. Waiting is definitely the most difficult thing to do when it comes to your health. I was finally called into my own room to get my biopsy results.

When my doctor walked in the room, I knew something was wrong. I felt a different presence from him than I normally get. He asked me to lay on my back so he could check my incision, in which he said was healing up great. He looked me straight in the eyes and said "Nicole, sometimes we get results back that we don't expect and that we don't want." All that I could say was OK. I was shocked, stunned, in disbelief, and unbelievably scared for what came next. For the first time in my life, I felt like my body had let me down and that I had no control. It is completely surreal being the one that all of the doctors are talking about. Remember in my last blog when I wrote that my medical team thought everything looked benign? It was the complete opposite. My doctor was shocked and upset about the result that he had to give to me after being so sure that everything was fine. He told me that after 3 opinions; one from Peterborough, one from Toronto, and one from Kingston, they all came to the same conclusion that abnormal cancerous cells were found in the ovarian mass, and that I need another surgery, as they were very worried. I just kept wondering how bad everything got. Just wondering if it was too late and what steps would come next. I really didn't know how to take this news in, and I never imagined myself being in this position, especially since this was the first time in my whole life that I had any health problems. Even though I was terrified in that very moment, I still felt a sheet of safeness come over me. I knew that God would never let me go through something that I couldn't handle and that He would give me the strength I needed to get through the bad and the good days.

When my doctor left the room, I looked at my mom and asked her what this meant and if I really just heard the word cancer come out of my doctors mouth. I had never understood what it felt like hearing these words until now. I could hardly pay attention to really comprehend and ask questions. I just started crying. I thought, I'm only in my early 20's. How is this real? Everything I have read and heard about says ovarian cancer normally targets people over the age of 40 when getting closer to menopause. However, anything is possible and cancer is very unpredictable, and doesn't care who you are or how old you are. My surgeon told me that I would be getting another surgery and that it had already been decided I was going to a gynaecological oncologist at Kingston General Hospital in the Cancer Treatment Centre the following week for a consult and surgery.

How I was going to tell all my family and closest friends the news just kept running through my head. I could barely say the words out loud, and it took a lot to get it out without crying. I was scared as to how people would react. I really don't like putting people in a position of not knowing what to say and feeling uncomfortable. I know that prior to going through some health concerns, I never understood some of the hardships that people went through, even if I wanted to understand and help the best I could. I kept telling myself that the news will indeed scare the h-e double hockey stick out of most people and they will have no idea what to say. Especially since at this point, I didn’t have many details; it was hard to tell people exactly what was going to happen when I really didn’t know. I kept the circle small at first until I saw my oncologist. It was difficult for me to reveal such personal information, as I am a person that likes to keep most of my business to myself, but I knew that this was a situation that I would need all the support and prayers that I could get. I knew that my friends loved and cared for me even if it was a difficult situation to understand and get through. I always knew that cancer was a really horrible thing, and mainly that I never wanted anything to do with it. But I never really truly understood the impact it has until you're told it is affecting you.

It was more difficult to tell people the bad news after telling them that my doctor was 95% sure that everything was benign. After my pre-op everyone was asking me how it went, expecting good news. It's kind of weird, but I felt more upset having to tell the people closest to me knowing that it would hurt. On this day, I got an outpouring of support and love, which helped, but still felt completely unreal.

I would be lying if I said I didn't have countless nights where I just sat in silence in disbelief. I didn't even really know where to start; my mind just kept going to the darkest place, especially having no idea what was to come. But I promised myself that I would never let this get me down, I needed to be brave and have confidence that everything would be okay. I had so many people beside me giving me the most amazing support. And I am forever grateful for that. Support is everything.

This was a difficult one for me to write and go back to, but please.. if anyone ever has any questions about the journey, any symptoms or ANYTHING, don't hesitate. There is also an anonymous chat that I have on my website if that is more comfortable than emailing. I always keep my status as available on the chat for anyone to message. :)

NIC xoxo :)

One of my favourite quotes, and I also think it is fitting...

Message of the day: When life throws you a curveball, hit it out of the park.